Aspirational dating: why it’s difficult for insecure overachievers to find love
Valentine’s Day is approaching, and that means that some people may be feeling pressured to find a date or advance things forward in a gray area, while feeling burdened by the fear of rejection and the possibility of not being good enough for the other person.
We commonly observe that partners in a relationship tend to resemble one another in terms of their qualitative and quantitative characteristics — this is called the “matching hypothesis.” Another hypothesis is called the “competition hypothesis,” which posits that mate seekers tend to pursue partners with traits universally recognized as the most desirable or popular (which can be a tricky idea without set limits). The idea of quantifying desirability is murky in real-life, but by limiting analysis to a hypothetical social network where interpersonal interaction is reduced to evaluating profile pictures and short bios rather than getting to know actual individuals with all their complexities and nuanced charms — such as an online dating platform — a study1 came up with an operational definition of popularity that allows for the quantification of idea of desirability. Quantifying the “desirability” of dating app profiles allows for the measurement of how far individuals can “reach up” for partners in the dating hierarchy and allow for the analysis of how the desirability gap affects the likelihood of reciprocation.
On an online dating platform, desirability is not only about how many people contact you but also about how desirable those people are. This is similar to the ways in which Google ranks webpages according to their prominence and authority, through an algorithm called PageRank. This is an algorithm that assigns each web page a numerical weighting that represents its authority, in which the number and importance of inbound links to that page are significant factors in determining its authority. It is, then, possible (to a limited extent) to apply the PageRank algorithm to determine the popularity of a dating app profile on a large-scale online dating platform. As the desirability gap between the dating app profiles increases, the likelihood of reciprocation of attention decreases, but it is still well above zero — although one may have to put in more effort to gain the attention of a more popular dating app profile.
[Important Note: People are not their dating app profiles. Dating app profiles are an imperfect representation of individuals and do not fully capture the complexity and individuality of a person. It’s important to keep in mind that people have multiple facets to their personality, experiences, and life story, and that online profiles are just one aspect of their identity.]
Let’s step outside of the box of the competitive hypothesis and examine the payoff matrix of choosing to adopt a specific dating strategy. Assuming that single individuals who are open to dating will be deriving some positive base payoff from having a partner and derive no utility from not having a partner, the payoff matrix can be visualized as follows:
An individual following an “aspirational dating strategy” will have payoffs that depend on their partner’s level of perceived desirability based on external social norms and prefer partners who score higher than themselves in popularity. A holistic dating strategy goes outside of the quantifiability of “desirability” according to external social norms and has payoffs that are subjective to each individual’s personal values and needs.
The preferences of each individual can vary widely, so it is not possible to determine an equilibrium point that will fit everyone. However, it is worth noting that in the case that both parties pursue a purely aspirational dating strategy and aspire to have partners who have a higher perceived desirability according to social norms will not be able to find a partner, under the assumption that neither parties will “settle” (for lack of a less superficial term) and that perceived desirability according to social norms is a quantifiable measure. In real life, most people will follow a mix of an aspirational and a holistic dating strategy, represented as some point on a spectrum between aspirational and holistic dating strategies, in which case the payoff matrix will resemble a two-dimensional gradient of variable payoffs, with greater possibilities of the creation of additional value (as well as potentially containing more social welfare equilibria) with a more holistic dating strategy.
So feel free to shoot your shot — if you both have a clear idea of your personal values and appreciate human complexity and individuality more than you care about external social norms, there may be good payoffs and even the potential to add value for both parties.
Inspiration: